of all things I’m scared that my boyfriend is insufficiently trad for marriage but where would I find someone else so smart and creative and funny and good with kids and generally-ethically-oriented
of all things I’m scared that my boyfriend is insufficiently trad for marriage but where would I find someone else so smart and creative and funny and good with kids and generally-ethically-oriented
as in I was scared he had the modern commitment-shy mentality discussed in the post- he doesn’t seem interested in other women at all. I was worried about him wanting to delay marriage indefinitely (something something buy cow milk for free)… but we talked it out to great success earlier after I realized I should be talking to my partner about these concerns instead of being anxious in the uncle yarv comments
Very obliquely, haha. He brought up some long-term personal financial plans, I responded by telling him my plans, and then mentioning how I’d thought about doing a certain long term financial thing that would be more or less mutually understood as a bet on our relationship continuing to marriage within a few years and divorce being completely off the table. He said it was too early to say yes to that immediately, but in a few years once we both finish college, he had actually been thinking about the same. Then we had a spirited text conversation for the next few hours about all the places we want to live and how to make them work for both of our careers, languages we will learn for work and travel, and how we would theoretically time both of our PhDs and having kids. I came out of it with my emotional needs for relationship security very much met, and he seemed to be in a good mood afterwards.
I think the advice you should take from this is that I never brought up the aforementioned concerns directly, because upon further thought a lot of it WAS because of me and my insecurities and my need for reassurance, and they didn’t need to be brought up and made his problem. He was literally just vibing and I thought myself into an angsty knot over an article I read online. Some things have to be made your partner’s problem and/or dealt with together, but the majority of things should be handled in a way that doesn’t start unnecessary conflicts by setting off the other person’s negative emotions too. If you can take shit off their plate emotionally without massive cost to yourself, do it, they do the same for you.
Overall if you’re looking for relationship advice, there’s a bit I had to do to fight my modern conditioning, and this helped me quite a bit to end up in a stabler relationship. What helped me was to just really try to grow empathy for myself and people I care about, and also to read some psychoanalysis. Carefully using metta meditation techniques helps you practice empathy and gain the ability to get over yourself, which helps you to see things from others’ point of view. Some psychoanalysis (not too much!) is helpful for understanding your own neuroses, which helps you understand others’ neuroses, which helps you get along with them better. A book that might help you understand why all this helps people our age is Chris Lasch’s culture of narcissism, if you haven’t checked it out already.
of all things I’m scared that my boyfriend is insufficiently trad for marriage but where would I find someone else so smart and creative and funny and good with kids and generally-ethically-oriented
In the replies of a Gray Mirror post, obviously! 😂
as in I was scared he had the modern commitment-shy mentality discussed in the post- he doesn’t seem interested in other women at all. I was worried about him wanting to delay marriage indefinitely (something something buy cow milk for free)… but we talked it out to great success earlier after I realized I should be talking to my partner about these concerns instead of being anxious in the uncle yarv comments
Very obliquely, haha. He brought up some long-term personal financial plans, I responded by telling him my plans, and then mentioning how I’d thought about doing a certain long term financial thing that would be more or less mutually understood as a bet on our relationship continuing to marriage within a few years and divorce being completely off the table. He said it was too early to say yes to that immediately, but in a few years once we both finish college, he had actually been thinking about the same. Then we had a spirited text conversation for the next few hours about all the places we want to live and how to make them work for both of our careers, languages we will learn for work and travel, and how we would theoretically time both of our PhDs and having kids. I came out of it with my emotional needs for relationship security very much met, and he seemed to be in a good mood afterwards.
I think the advice you should take from this is that I never brought up the aforementioned concerns directly, because upon further thought a lot of it WAS because of me and my insecurities and my need for reassurance, and they didn’t need to be brought up and made his problem. He was literally just vibing and I thought myself into an angsty knot over an article I read online. Some things have to be made your partner’s problem and/or dealt with together, but the majority of things should be handled in a way that doesn’t start unnecessary conflicts by setting off the other person’s negative emotions too. If you can take shit off their plate emotionally without massive cost to yourself, do it, they do the same for you.
Overall if you’re looking for relationship advice, there’s a bit I had to do to fight my modern conditioning, and this helped me quite a bit to end up in a stabler relationship. What helped me was to just really try to grow empathy for myself and people I care about, and also to read some psychoanalysis. Carefully using metta meditation techniques helps you practice empathy and gain the ability to get over yourself, which helps you to see things from others’ point of view. Some psychoanalysis (not too much!) is helpful for understanding your own neuroses, which helps you understand others’ neuroses, which helps you get along with them better. A book that might help you understand why all this helps people our age is Chris Lasch’s culture of narcissism, if you haven’t checked it out already.