Current partner and I, the first time we slept together, told each other we weren’t dating just for kicks and were dating people towards the intention of marriage, so this had better be serious or nothing at all. We started spending a lot of time together, but I felt like it was healthy and functional. One night a few months later we fou…
Current partner and I, the first time we slept together, told each other we weren’t dating just for kicks and were dating people towards the intention of marriage, so this had better be serious or nothing at all. We started spending a lot of time together, but I felt like it was healthy and functional. One night a few months later we fought over something and he told me his best friend had told him that we seemed codependent (she has called 2 other happy long-term couples that we are friends with this). He took her seriously and that conversation basically ended the honeymoon phase of our relationship. Four months later and I still don’t feel like I can trust him as much. It really hurt, I am still trying to be all in, and I don’t know if he is. He’s still talking like he wants to spend his life with me, and I think we’re in many ways a good fit, but I’m realizing increasingly that I’m scared. He’s slept with a lot of our female friends and insists on me making some life changes that would be really hard.
The question now is whether I send him this blog post or whether that would be too crazy and emotional and fight-picking and reassurance-seeking and oh my god I’m probably insane haha
Speaking as a social retard - it sounds to me like you need to work through this with him. And if he's serious about it, he'll try to help you. Because it's one thing if a person is just insecure and trying to soothe their ego, but it's a very different thing if someone isn't sure they have the same definition of love or what a committed relationship is.
I don't know if I would send him this one though. I think that the more immediately relevant article to your problem would be the one where Curtis mentions the cold dead hand of the twentieth century reaching down his pants - where "love" is just a restriction of freedom labelled "unhealthy codependence." I think that does a better job of addressing the issue at play, which is fundamentally philosophical. What is love? Sending this article might address why his friend said that, but I don't think it would as clearly address why she's wrong. I personally would be hesitant to make it seem like it's about her rather than the philosophical issue. And that issue probably needs to be resolved, because it shapes the shared vision that you're both working towards.
But I have no practical real world relationship experience so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Even so, best of luck. I'm sure in time you'll figure out what is right.
of all things I’m scared that my boyfriend is insufficiently trad for marriage but where would I find someone else so smart and creative and funny and good with kids and generally-ethically-oriented
as in I was scared he had the modern commitment-shy mentality discussed in the post- he doesn’t seem interested in other women at all. I was worried about him wanting to delay marriage indefinitely (something something buy cow milk for free)… but we talked it out to great success earlier after I realized I should be talking to my partner about these concerns instead of being anxious in the uncle yarv comments
Very obliquely, haha. He brought up some long-term personal financial plans, I responded by telling him my plans, and then mentioning how I’d thought about doing a certain long term financial thing that would be more or less mutually understood as a bet on our relationship continuing to marriage within a few years and divorce being completely off the table. He said it was too early to say yes to that immediately, but in a few years once we both finish college, he had actually been thinking about the same. Then we had a spirited text conversation for the next few hours about all the places we want to live and how to make them work for both of our careers, languages we will learn for work and travel, and how we would theoretically time both of our PhDs and having kids. I came out of it with my emotional needs for relationship security very much met, and he seemed to be in a good mood afterwards.
I think the advice you should take from this is that I never brought up the aforementioned concerns directly, because upon further thought a lot of it WAS because of me and my insecurities and my need for reassurance, and they didn’t need to be brought up and made his problem. He was literally just vibing and I thought myself into an angsty knot over an article I read online. Some things have to be made your partner’s problem and/or dealt with together, but the majority of things should be handled in a way that doesn’t start unnecessary conflicts by setting off the other person’s negative emotions too. If you can take shit off their plate emotionally without massive cost to yourself, do it, they do the same for you.
Overall if you’re looking for relationship advice, there’s a bit I had to do to fight my modern conditioning, and this helped me quite a bit to end up in a stabler relationship. What helped me was to just really try to grow empathy for myself and people I care about, and also to read some psychoanalysis. Carefully using metta meditation techniques helps you practice empathy and gain the ability to get over yourself, which helps you to see things from others’ point of view. Some psychoanalysis (not too much!) is helpful for understanding your own neuroses, which helps you understand others’ neuroses, which helps you get along with them better. A book that might help you understand why all this helps people our age is Chris Lasch’s culture of narcissism, if you haven’t checked it out already.
Current partner and I, the first time we slept together, told each other we weren’t dating just for kicks and were dating people towards the intention of marriage, so this had better be serious or nothing at all. We started spending a lot of time together, but I felt like it was healthy and functional. One night a few months later we fought over something and he told me his best friend had told him that we seemed codependent (she has called 2 other happy long-term couples that we are friends with this). He took her seriously and that conversation basically ended the honeymoon phase of our relationship. Four months later and I still don’t feel like I can trust him as much. It really hurt, I am still trying to be all in, and I don’t know if he is. He’s still talking like he wants to spend his life with me, and I think we’re in many ways a good fit, but I’m realizing increasingly that I’m scared. He’s slept with a lot of our female friends and insists on me making some life changes that would be really hard.
The question now is whether I send him this blog post or whether that would be too crazy and emotional and fight-picking and reassurance-seeking and oh my god I’m probably insane haha
Speaking as a social retard - it sounds to me like you need to work through this with him. And if he's serious about it, he'll try to help you. Because it's one thing if a person is just insecure and trying to soothe their ego, but it's a very different thing if someone isn't sure they have the same definition of love or what a committed relationship is.
I don't know if I would send him this one though. I think that the more immediately relevant article to your problem would be the one where Curtis mentions the cold dead hand of the twentieth century reaching down his pants - where "love" is just a restriction of freedom labelled "unhealthy codependence." I think that does a better job of addressing the issue at play, which is fundamentally philosophical. What is love? Sending this article might address why his friend said that, but I don't think it would as clearly address why she's wrong. I personally would be hesitant to make it seem like it's about her rather than the philosophical issue. And that issue probably needs to be resolved, because it shapes the shared vision that you're both working towards.
But I have no practical real world relationship experience so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Even so, best of luck. I'm sure in time you'll figure out what is right.
> He’s slept with a lot of our female friends
They need to stop being friends.
of all things I’m scared that my boyfriend is insufficiently trad for marriage but where would I find someone else so smart and creative and funny and good with kids and generally-ethically-oriented
In the replies of a Gray Mirror post, obviously! 😂
as in I was scared he had the modern commitment-shy mentality discussed in the post- he doesn’t seem interested in other women at all. I was worried about him wanting to delay marriage indefinitely (something something buy cow milk for free)… but we talked it out to great success earlier after I realized I should be talking to my partner about these concerns instead of being anxious in the uncle yarv comments
Very obliquely, haha. He brought up some long-term personal financial plans, I responded by telling him my plans, and then mentioning how I’d thought about doing a certain long term financial thing that would be more or less mutually understood as a bet on our relationship continuing to marriage within a few years and divorce being completely off the table. He said it was too early to say yes to that immediately, but in a few years once we both finish college, he had actually been thinking about the same. Then we had a spirited text conversation for the next few hours about all the places we want to live and how to make them work for both of our careers, languages we will learn for work and travel, and how we would theoretically time both of our PhDs and having kids. I came out of it with my emotional needs for relationship security very much met, and he seemed to be in a good mood afterwards.
I think the advice you should take from this is that I never brought up the aforementioned concerns directly, because upon further thought a lot of it WAS because of me and my insecurities and my need for reassurance, and they didn’t need to be brought up and made his problem. He was literally just vibing and I thought myself into an angsty knot over an article I read online. Some things have to be made your partner’s problem and/or dealt with together, but the majority of things should be handled in a way that doesn’t start unnecessary conflicts by setting off the other person’s negative emotions too. If you can take shit off their plate emotionally without massive cost to yourself, do it, they do the same for you.
Overall if you’re looking for relationship advice, there’s a bit I had to do to fight my modern conditioning, and this helped me quite a bit to end up in a stabler relationship. What helped me was to just really try to grow empathy for myself and people I care about, and also to read some psychoanalysis. Carefully using metta meditation techniques helps you practice empathy and gain the ability to get over yourself, which helps you to see things from others’ point of view. Some psychoanalysis (not too much!) is helpful for understanding your own neuroses, which helps you understand others’ neuroses, which helps you get along with them better. A book that might help you understand why all this helps people our age is Chris Lasch’s culture of narcissism, if you haven’t checked it out already.